Please stand up, please stand up..
A lot of things have been hitting me lately, one of which is my unhealthy obsession with my weight. For years I have been so focused on getting thinner. I haven't physically done anything as dramatic as restricting my food intake or throwing up, but something tells me it can't be right to think about it as much as I do. People always tell you about how losing weight won't fix all your problems. Being skinny doesn't automatically make you happy, but I never really realized how right they were until I did lose weight.
After I had Emma the weight came off fast. I only gained 25 pounds in the first place, but just a few hours after having her I didn't look pregnant at all. Over the next month I lost about 20 pounds. People kept telling me how skinny I looked, in fact it's all they wanted to talk about. How did I do it?? I was so lucky!! But inside I was fuming. Did they know how weak I was? How sick I felt? Breastfeeding was taking every ounce of my strength and I felt awful. I lost the weight because my body was struggling. It hurt to sit, to stand, to hold my baby because my body was weak and having trouble healing. (I talked a little about this here) I know people mean well and would never intentionally hurt my feelings, I'm mostly just annoyed that we live in a society that puts so much focus on our bodies. Something I know that I'm guilty of as well.
After I stopped breastfeeding I slowly started to get my strength back, get back to exercising, and feeling more human. The baby weight is long gone, plus some and I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled because the rest of what I lost is due to hard work and I can be proud of it. I'm not smaller because I'm making myself sick, I'm smaller because I work my ass off and I'm proud of that.
It's time for me to stop being so obsessed with the number on the scale. It's funny timing reaching this comfortable mental place right in the middle of a 8 week "bikini series" But through this challenge I've found a lot of supportive people and realized how strong I feel. So my goal is to achieve strength, not weight loss. Getting up early and working out makes me feel good. Fueling my body with healthy food makes me feel good. I feel more awake, stronger, healthier, happier than since I can remember and the most awesome part is that I did this for myself.
I used to live my life being so self conscious about everything!!! I never wanted to look stupid. I don't tell people I know in real life about my blog because I don't want them to judge me. I wouldn't wear the clothes I wanted to because I didn't want people to think I was trying to hard. Looking back I've always been like this and I've missed out on a lot of things because of it. Somehow though, through having a baby, working my butt off to be strong, and the help of badass supportive people like my sister in law Jenn (who literally taught me to dance like no one was watching ;p) .. I feel like that is finally changing
I never ever ever ever want Emma to grow up hating her body. So why would I let her grow up watching me hate mine? I still have goals, but they are no longer going to involve my weight. I wanna run a long time without stopping. I want to do handstands. I wanna hike up mountains!!!
I mean sure I have dimples on my thighs but I can also do this:
SO yeah.. I'm skinnier now. And yeah, I'm happier too. BUT it didn't take me reaching my "goal weight" to get me there.
What's something awesome you want to do (or have done!!) that has nothing to do with your weight?
Guess there's a slim Kadee in all of us.........
Let's all stand up.